I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
