You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
