I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
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He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
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I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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