I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
it's like heaven, but drunker
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We talked him into tasing himself.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
