my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I enjoy the company of your penis
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
