y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
