I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
