My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish I only lived at night.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
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