Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
