Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
this is an emotional support booty call
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
