All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
