After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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