I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize