When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
