There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
