We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
