I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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