I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
