So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
