I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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