You just made me feel so damn special
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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