i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
