I must be too annoying 4 u.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
