I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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