Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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