I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Floor bacon is actually really good
Oh god it's open bar.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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