The best revenge is premature balding
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
