I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My ass is underappreciated
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
