I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
