At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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