the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
