I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
