My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
