Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
