WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
