you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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