Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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