Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
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the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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