I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
