Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I think my moral compass just broke
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
