I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
