I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
