If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
