glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
True strength comes from lack of pants
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
