I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
