Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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