someone threw a dead crab at me
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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