whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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