how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
