Well douche your snatch and let's go!
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
you never un-have a 4some
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
