I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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