Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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