I faked an abortion last night.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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