I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
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I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
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Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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