I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
