what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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