What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
