what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
