So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
