i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Did I show you my penis last night?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm like, not good at living.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
